Sometimes burps smell worse than farts.

And here I was, planning to run for prom queen.

I suddenly understand the appeal of cigarettes and alcohol.

Father? Can I ask you something? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s okay?

There is no “always”, there’s just right now.

There is no right or wrong, just the consequences of your actions.

I want to be a 40-year-old virgin. Because it seems like, once you get laid, your life basically turns to shit.

He is who he is, Mom. You knew that when you jumped into the car with us. If you’re worried you made a mistake, that’s not his fault. You have to love him for who he is,not his potential.

The satanic bible is actually the ultimate self-help book. It’s not about worshipping the devil. It’s about believing in yourself first and foremost and not wasting your time on psychic vampires. If you read it, You might learn a thing or two because it actually makes a hell of a lot more sense than the gobbledygook you’re passing off on the average everyday barnes & noble bottom-feeder. That’s right – I’ve read your book. I want my money back.

No one walks in L.A.