Sometimes burps smell worse than farts.

And here I was, planning to run for prom queen.

I suddenly understand the appeal of cigarettes and alcohol.

Father? Can I ask you something? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s okay?

There is no right or wrong, just the consequences of your actions.

I want to be a 40-year-old virgin. Because it seems like, once you get laid, your life basically turns to shit.

There is no “always”, there’s just right now.

No one walks in L.A.

I would like to thank the lord below for giving me the strength to make it through this dinner. Praise hail satan.

He is who he is, Mom. You knew that when you jumped into the car with us. If you’re worried you made a mistake, that’s not his fault. You have to love him for who he is,not his potential.