I thought I’d start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit, bust out the old computer, bang out 10 pages, maybe go for a run. Maybe I’ll just jerk off and go back to bed.

Do you know how hard it is to get a girl off? It is like disconnecting a bomb. I mean, there’s all these wires and shit down there. Who knows which one you’re supposed to cross or pull. Plus, the studies show that the female orgasm is, like, what, 99% mental. Who has time for that?!

Do not underestimate your inability to attract women.

You know, most people, they go their whole life, and they never really find someone they love. They say they do because everybody’s the star of their own little romantic comedy, but they’re full of shit. You and me, we had women that loved us for who we were, really loved us for who we were, and we fucked it up. For what? Some stupid piece of ass we forgot about 10 minutes later?

I question everything. It’s very healthy.

Says the girl with her finger in the dyke.

That’s the kind of bling you like, right? Dead people’s jewelry?

Do whatever you have to do. Beg, plead, cry. Get down on bended knee. ’cause I’m telling you, no amount of top-shelf pussy can compete with the love of a good woman.

Are they good with the diamonds, the canadians? I thought just the bacon.